Our first blogiversary

Well, I can hardly believe that it’s been a year since I started ruminating on what the transition from feminist professional career woman to retiree would be like.  I keep trying to think of a word that describes this experience but I’m stymied.   I did a little searching on definitions of retired (again) and here’s what I came up with: “Withdrawn from one’s occupation, business, or office; having finished one’s active working life.”

 Well, here I am 8 months “in”and I have definitely not withdrawn.  Not from my occupation (which I found at my favorite source for understanding words online (www.visualthesaurus.com ) defined as “the principal activity in your life that you do to earn money”) because I’m as devoted to, and involved in, working towards making the world a more caring place as I’ve ever been.

Have I withdrawn from my business?   Back to the thesaurus:  “a commercial enterprise and the people who constitute it; the principal activity in your life that you do to earn money (again), and … a rightful concern or responsibility.”  Ah – well, I have certainly not left my sense of rightful concern or responsibility behind; in fact I now have so much more opportunity to focus on that.  I have also clearly not finished my active working life.

I’m not yet finished with anything and – in fact – today my life feels filled with beginnings.  

Moving into a little more light

I’ve been living in the midst of a maelstrom (a powerful circular current, usually the result of conflicting tides) for the past number of days.  The confluence of a number of things has left me with more than the usual confusion and uncertainty in my life.  Had these occurred one at a time I’m guessing I could have sorted things out more readily but surprise of surprises I don’t get to control when things happen – or what happens – and so it’s been rather an emotional pummeling for the past few days.  Let me go back about a week.

I started last week with great intentions to get a lot of work done on the theories course I’ve agreed to teach in the fall.  As the development of the course unfolded I was aware of huge amounts of resistance to just getting the job done … and this is something that usually I don’t have to deal with.  So, me being me, I stopped to give it a lot of thought. What was really going on here?  Why was I feeling so incredibly stressed?  I was feeling so rested for a while and now I’m back to feeling exhausted.  What’s going on here???  It took several days, lots of good conversations with friends, some meditation, and more than a few drams of fine whiskey to figure it out, but I think I’m onto something really important for me.

I am happy, thank you very much, and my brain is not broken

This has been a most interesting morning.

Sipping my first latte of the day I was thinking that I’d like to do some writing.  Took out my laptop, plugged it in, and entered the world that lives inside this small silver container.  I’d fallen asleep with the idea of writing about a group of women who opened so many doors and expanded opportunity for so many other women educators in Ontario, but when I started to write I just wasn’t sure how to begin.  So I decided to just wait a while and sip my coffee and read the morning paper.  I’d PVRd a PBS show on “The UltraMind Solution” and it was playing in the background.  Can you picture it?  I’m sitting in bed (with my head resting on my fabulous new 1,000 thread-count pillowcase incidentally … feels amazing) with my laptop in front of me, the newspaper to my right, the TV to my left.  Happy.

Moving forward: New skills needed

Denis Waitley says that all of the top achievers he knows are “life-long learners looking for new skills, insights and ideas.  If they’re not learning, they’re not growing … not moving toward excellence.”  Well, one of the things that I’ve definitely learned in retirement so far is that I need some skills that I don’t seem to have.  

Actually – I’m guessing that’s not quite accurate.   Maybe  I need to refine some of my existing skills so that they’re applicable in this new context?  Perhaps, in the end, there will still be a few totally “new” skills too.  Could there even be some things I’ve learned that I really need to un-learn or re-learn?   Let me try to think this through.

Looking back into the present: Five months to go

I’ve been reading this quite wonderful book. It’s called “Not Becoming my Mother … and other things she taught me along the way.” The author, Ruth Reichl, proudly begins by telling us that she’s written and spoken a lot about her mother; telling “Mim” (her mother’s name was Miriam) Tales á la stand up comedy routine.  Then she comes upon a box filled with notes her mother’s written and letters she’d kept and suddenly she realized that she’d never really known who her mother was and that everything she did – and it does sound like she was a bit wacko – was to tell her daughter not to settle for less than she could be.  

Why am I telling you this?  I’ve been reading the book slowly:  I read a few pages and then I take as much time as I need to process the way “Mim” is revealed bit by bit and then think about relationships in my own family.  One of the effects of all of this is that I’ve been reminded how very fortunate I am to have a mother and sisters who have travelled life with me and have become such good friends.  That’s a lucky thing for sure.

I’m going to digress into the past for a few paragraphs.  Feel free to just skip ahead a bit (I’ve made it easy by identifying  THE CONTEXT, INTO THE PAST and BACK TO THE PRESENT sub-titles) when you hit “read more”.

Not going kayaking today after all … and I’m not growing old

I am writing this post from our room at a beautiful hotel (the Fauchere) in Milford, PA.   David and I have been “on the road” for 11 days now and in 2 more days we’ll be back home and back to what everyone wants to insist is reality.  I don’t really understand why we limit our understanding of reality to those parts of our lives where we’re spending our days earning a living  (which is why I think folks look at me a bit askance when I say I’m retired) and doing chores … but there you have it.  Anyhow, we’ve been having a great time and have enjoyed every day of our road trip.  So why am I sitting in a hotel room writing this post instead of out having fun?  Good question.

Six Months In – Part 2

I’ll just jump right back into the thought process here that I began with my previous posting.

LONELINESS, ISOLATION, AND THE BLUES:  

When I imagined my life in retirement there’s no way I could have known that the context for that would be the worst financial crisis of my lifetime.  That’s had levels of impact on pretty much everyone’s lives and one of the things it’s meant in our home – and in many homes – is that David is working much harder these days with less office support.  I have been pretty much beginning and ending my days alone;  I get a coffee and good morning from David before he heads to work around 6:30, and at night – once we’ve had dinner and he’s finished the work he’s brought home  – well, by then he’s exhausted and ready for dreamland.  

Seems that most days I’m mostly pretty much on my own as well.  Now don’t get me wrong; I’m a bit of a loner anyhow.  But this is starting to feel like too much time alone and not enough time for meaningful interaction with others.  My new friends – so far – are mostly on TV; how pathetic is that!  Even knowing that this is a temporary state … that a few months from now the seeds I’ve been planting will start to grow and life will seem different (I hope) … doesn’t make the heaviness in my soul any lighter I fear.  I read this on the web: “Retirement means an adjustment in your mindset. After you retire, you may experience anxiety and depression . You suddenly have all this free time with no committments – but does that make you happy, or anxious?  Oddly enough, all our working years, we wish for freedom. We can’t wait to be wild, happy and free in retirement.Then comes the day we walk out the proverbial retirement door — and what do we DO with the rest of our life?”  I was really delighted when I read the very next paragraph:  “Recognize these anxious feelings are normal… suddenly, nothing is the same. But that’s ok as you transition into your New Self, the Retired Person who is HAPPY with a New Life!”   This is definitely the stuff of Lesson #3:  Acknowledge what makes you uncomfortable, then put it into the background and focus on what makes you happy.  Do you see the darkness or the moonlight on the field?  Or both?  It’s all one.  This one continues to be a struggle for me.

Six Months In

It’s now been six months since I retired, and so I think it’s a good time to do a bit of a review and assessment on how am I doing.  Not the kind of assessment that ends up ranking me against others who’ve similarly retired.  Oh no … not that at all.  Just a bit of a review of what I thought would happen, what happened, and what I’m thinking should happen next.  This is an opportunity to revisit some of the “lessons” I think I’m learning.  Which are still useful?  Which are being applied?  What am I happy with?  What am I struggling with?  How to move forward?

Daring To Dream A Dream

Just as I was working on pulling together my thoughts about my first 6 months as a retired feminist woman the world sent me a reminder that keeping my eye on “my dream” is  – as we used to say – where it’s at!  

The Vancouver Sun headline read:  “Susan Boyle: Unemployed 47-year-old virgin becomes overnight music superstar“, simultaneously introducing us to Susan Boyle and displaying it’s out-dated mysogynistic approach to the world.  Really – what has her age, her professional status, or the state of her chastity got to do with her enormous talent and determination?

The lights that are flashing are telling me to remember; remember that it’s about holding onto the dream and moving always closer to it that matters.  

Which brings me to another “ah ha” moment I’ve had in this process of thinking the months through.  

The 7 a.m. aquafit class surprise

So I’m trying to find a schedule that will work for me.  One of the things that seems to not happen far too often – although it wasn’t my intention for this to work out this way – is that I miss going to the Y to exercise.  I get involved writing and before I know it it’s too late to head to the Y; I’ve missed my class.  Back to the Y schedule I went and sure enough there was a Tuesday morning class at 7 a.m.  

Wait a minute:  7 a.m.?!?  One of the things I’d looked forward to for so long before retiring was not having to get up at 6 in the morning any more; imagine the luxury of being able to sleep late.  Unfortunately, I’ve discovered that my internal clock doesn’t seem to understand anything other than wake up early … so like it or not I’m generally awake in the wee hours of the morning anyhow.  So – I thought to myself – why not give this early class a try.